Eyes that See

When the doctor leaned back from examining Joshua's eyes and said, "yep, it's worse than I thought" I just gulped down the sob and wrangled all three kiddos out of the exam room. 

Ella was crying because she was hungry. 

Joshua was crying because his eyes were dilated.

Abby Bette was crying because she wanted to go to Chik-fil-A and I said yes. (she confuses me)

I was crying because they were crying and it seemed like the only way to respond to the situation.

And because I was sooooo hungry. And because I had three kids under two at a pediatric eye clinic for three hours. (thank God for Frozen on the ipad)

But we couldn't go home yet because I needed to pick out Joshua's frames and get him fitted. 

So I rolled the double stroller with Abby Bette pulling at her leash, screaming for "Chik-fil-A RIGHT NOW" into the glasses shop, praying she wouldn't pull down every single pair of display frames she could reach. 

The lady who drew the short straw and had to help me reached for a pair of huge red-rimmed Steve Urkel frames, and that is when I lost my mind and started openly boo-hooing in the frame shop.

It wasn't my finest moment. 

Luckily, Caleb showed up, helped me pay for the glasses and get everyone into the car. I called my mom and cried to her. We got the vital Chik-fil-A,  made it home, everyone ate, and I had everyone settled in for naps. 

But I was still so upset. 

I sat on the couch with the jar of chocolate chips I keep in my purse to bribe Abby Bette and dumped handfuls into my mouth. 

I was crying out of sadness for my J-Man. Every time we have a pediatrician visit, there is something new.... another specialist we have to see.

I don't mind the endless paperwork or wrangling the three kiddos in the waiting rooms or having to remember to do his skin ointment or his physical therapy exercises. 

I was just so sad that he couldn't see. That he has a huge scar across his tiny tummy from two high-risk surgeries. That he gets these spots on his skin that itch him horribly. That he is a year old and can barely roll over and definitely can't crawl. 

So with the handfuls of chocolate chips going in, I had one prayer going out: "Lord, why can't you just give him a break!"

And to my surprise, the God of the Universe answered me right back with: "I DID."

All of these thoughts suddenly flooded my mind:

God gave Joshua a break by giving him a medical emergency requiring surgery in order to unite him with his soon-to-be father. If not for him needing surgery, Caleb would have never known about him.

God gave Joshua a break when he sent a social worker who helped his birth mother call an adoption agency rather than following common practice of placing him in a foster home.

God gave Joshua a break by giving him a father who could handle his medical concerns and a mother who will champion him through all the challenges he has faced and will face in the future.

God gave Joshua a break by placing him in an environment where he will hear the gospel message everyday in his home, has grandparents who love on him, and a church family who support him.

And let's not stop there, God went on to tell me.

God gave me a break by giving me the easiest adoption of all time.

And I am doing more around this situation than you can see. 

Remember that young mother in the waiting room with you at the eye doctor this morning? Her 4 year old autistic son was screaming when they came into the waiting room with you, but calmed down when he saw Abby Bette watching Frozen on your ipad. That tired mama got some rest. 

Having all of you in the same room, at the same time, was Me cutting her a break. 

And even without doing all of this, I still cut Joshua the only break he ever needed when I sent my son to die on the cross for Joshua. And for you. And for the world. 

I don't owe Joshua anything, says the Lord. I have already paid his debt. And your debt. And everyone's debt. 

Fast forward a week or so and Joshua has his glasses now. Of course he is EVEN CUTER somehow. I picked out the most hipstery frames I could find. He wears them all day and never really seems to pull at them. 

There are still moments when I doubt everything and worry over him and face guilt over not being a good enough mother for him. I was sooooo tired during his first year home with him and wasn't able to work with him like he needed. 

Even then, God is answering my cries again. Every time I tell the Lord that I'm not enough for Joshua and for my girls, the Lord reminds me that indeed, I am not enough. 

But He is. 

When I am weak, He is strong. And He alone is worthy of our praise. 

So we praise Him that Caleb's trip to Rwanda last year was canceled, which meant he was on call when a tiny baby with no family needed emergency surgery.

We praise Him for the adoption attorney who sat on the stoop of a house in the roughest area of our city for eight hours, in the hopes he could get the one signature needed to turn custody over to a family who would love a frail baby, lying alone in the NICU, with a feeding tube and ostomy bag.

We praise Him for the doctor who loved on Joshua during his first month of life lived in a hospital room. She spent all of her lunch breaks holding him, reading to him, praying over him. She was there when we weren't. 

We praise Him for a son who reminds us everyday that our God is a God who saves. 

And I will try to do better about praising Him for scars, and splotchy skin, and wheezing, and baby glasses because they are all tangible reminders that our God is more than enough, He is Faithful, and He is Good. 

As one of my favorite songs goes:

Because I'll never hold the picture
Of the whole horizon in my view
Because I'll never rip the night in two
It makes me wonder
Who am I, Who am I, Who am I
And great are you